He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
