Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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