Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i think i just lost a toe
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
