i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
