He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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