listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
