took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
