So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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