it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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