Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
