I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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