I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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