she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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