so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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