the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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