My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
