I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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