you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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