If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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