he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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