Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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