I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.