The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
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Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.