Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
