Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
