Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
