Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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