My nipple is on Facebook.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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