I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
