I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
