I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
