The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
