At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
