haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
