My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
