why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Your dad touched me again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
