I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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