1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
