Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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