got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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