haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
