The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
