Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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