I don't usually arrange sex via text message
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize