I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
