My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
