He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
