I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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