I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it's like iHOP with fire
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
