girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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