he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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