I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
