There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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