he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
