and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
