this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
